palabras GEORGE 'EL GUAPO' ROUSH

****DISCLAIMER**** This review is for entertainment purposes only. If you own a Batman t-shirt and wear it with pride, please send pictures. I will post them in a future article and make fun of you.

With Batman Begins, Chris Nolan brought back the franchise that Joel Schumacher decimated and blamed on Warner executives. Taking it in a new direction, he wanted the tone to be darker and more serious and comic book fans embraced his vision of the Caped Crusader. With The Dark Knight, Nolan tries to bring Batman fans an even darker tale by re-introducing one of the most iconic villains in comic book history – The Joker. He also gets a hold of some extra Warner Brother's money lying around in one of their many backlots and films six parts of TDK in the IMAX format. If you've always dreamed of seeing Maggie Gyllenhaal's face on a giant screen, then your dreams have come true. By the way, this review is so long I haven’t’ bothered trying to edit it. Like any of my reviews make sense to begin with.

Batman (Christian Bale) teams up with his good old police buddy and newly appointed Commissioner Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman), and District Attorney Harvey Dent (Aaron Eckhart) to finally rid Gotham of its growing crime syndicate. Now that Wayne Manor has burned to the ground because of poor sprinkler installation and expired fire safety procedures, Bruce has to change into his Bat Underoos in his new temporary penthouse. He still runs Wayne Enterprises that house The R&D department, managed by his good friend and now board member, Lucius Fox (Morgan Freeman). Lucius still creates all of the latest bat products including:

The Dark Knight-Light: A portable self defense tool used in rapes and robberies. Shine the Dark Knight-Light into the sky during an assault to let The Caped Crusader know you are in trouble*.

*WARNING-This product does not guarantee that Batman will come to save you. He may be busy and/or sleeping. In fact, by shining the Dark Knight-Light, you could be inviting more criminals to your location. You may want to just buy a gun or pepper spray instead.

The Bat-Assdildo: For those special nights when you want to further explore your mounting anal probe curiosity. The Bat-Dildo is shaped like a bat, with a guarantee that no colon can resist its can opening like pleasure. Comes with Band-Aids and Styptic powder.

Big Gulp Batman: Feeling thirsty after a hard night of fighting crime or sitting on your fat ass playing World of Warcraft? Chug down one of these delicious 132 oz. Black licorice flavored favorites.

Harvey Dent is first in the courtroom trying to get criminals put away. Batman is still doing his part but the citizens of Gotham still don't like the idea of a vigilante (which is funny to me because if you live in a city where crime is that rampant, you'd probably embrace as many vigilantes as you could). Batman gets wind of the arrival of a new and dangerous foe that goes by the name of The Joker (Heath Ledger). The Joker wears a green and purple suit and clown makeup to try and hide the scars around his mouth. Or he just likes makeup. Speaking of makeup, I'm hoping someone can explain to me why the mayor (Nestor Carbonell) in this movie is wearing more mascara and eyeliner than a first day on the job transsexual hooker.

With The Joker as the new villain, Batman must now contend with his own moral dilemma. He finds himself facing a person that will do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. He wants Batman to come out of hiding and reveal himself or he will kill every day. The Joker wants Batman dead, yet later in the movie tells Batman he would never kill him because he needs him. The Joker is a tough villain to classify. He's not schizophrenic because he knows what he's doing. He's simply out of mind. Chaos and anarchy is what drives him and Batman isn't sure how to deal with it. Other villains he's faced at least had a goal, for The Joker, everything appears to be random. But The Joker is so crazy that none of his actions or thoughts leading up to his 'plan' follow a logical pattern. Batman says he must become someone else to stop him, but unless that someone else is a gay ballet dancer, I don’t see the change in character. Batman would make a lousy gay ballet dancer anyway. What am I talking about? God, this review sucks and I just started.

No matter The Joker's actions, Batman is the Shaft of the super hero world. He doesn't lose his cool and knows exactly what he's doing. He's just upping things a bit to get info. Batman is not a cop, so his tactics are always considered over line and abusive. But he never comes close to really taking things one step further. Sure, he'll maim you or break your legs, but he won't kill you. However, I wanted to see a point in this movie where that could happen. I wanted to see in Batman's eyes that he was crossing the line. I wanted that moment where Batman actually becomes afraid of himself and what he is about to do just to stop this threat. But all I got was him punching guys in the face. He's not afraid to flip over a semi-truck with The Joker in it, possibly killing him, but he's afraid to run him over. It's the back and forth confusing mindset of Batman that gives The Joker the clear mental advantage throughout the film. I'm not saying I wanted The Punisher, but I wanted to see what would happen if The Joker made Batman just snap. I wanted to see The Dark Knight, not The Dark Lite. Wow, I am such a wordsmith.

With a run time of two and a half hours, there is a lot of action sprinkled throughout the picture. Nolan has a flair for giant action set pieces and while they're exciting to watch, sometimes the editing gets in the way and you don't see what happened. One chase sequence involving semi trucks, swat trucks and the Batmobile was a lot of fun to watch. There are also a lot of hand to hand fight scenes, but they're poorly lit and edited and you really can't see a lot of what Batman is doing. I'm pretty sure it's because the suit Christian is wearing is about as flexible as Dr. Phil in a yoga class. I have no idea how the guy can even walk upright. It's addressed in the movie when Bruce tells Lucius he needs a lighter suit, but even with a new suit it still looks like he can't move.

What about the acting? There are other reviewers who will gladly spill plot points for you, but because I'm such a compassionate human being, I will do my best to avoid spoilers. I can't guarantee this however, because I usually write these reviews after about twenty beers.

Michael Caine (Alfred) – Once again, Michael Caine does a great job as Alfred but he speaks so softly with his Brit accent that I often can't understand what he is saying. I don't know if it's because I'm getting older and years and years of Pantera have finally taken their toll on my ears, but there were a couple of times during the movie when I had to stand up and yell “What did he say?” Lucky for me, after all the ssh-ing and 'shut the hell ups', some nice person would tell me. Alfred's role is about as big in this film as it was the last, except he plays more the Jiminy Cricket conscious role.

Morgan Freeman (Lucius Fox) – Morgan Freeman could play a 5'2 Chinese man who helped build the railroads or Archie Andrews and I'd believe it. Shit, he could play both Betty and Veronica and I'd buy it, although the bikini scenes would be kind of creepy. The man can do anything and is one of the best actors to have ever lived. I think when he passes away he'll simply disappear like Yoda and be one with The Force. Lucius has a bigger role in TDK and helps out Batman on a couple of occasions. One scene made me think of him as Q from the Bond films when he told Bruce he should read the instruction manual before trying out the latest gadgets. Another scene made him appear to be African-American.

Maggie Gyllenhaal (Rachel Dawes) – Maggie Gyllenhaal playing the love interest to anyone other than a Muppet makes no sense to me. She’s a decent actress, but I don’t find her attractive at all. I’m not even sure how old she is, and if she sees this movie on a giant IMAX screen, she’ll wonder why all the makeup was being used on Ledger when she could have used about four coats of Cover Girl. She actually looks like The Joker now that I think about it. If you want to look like Maggie Gyllenhall all you have to do is press your hands against both cheeks and wear a wig. (Just kidding Maggie. El Guapo loves you.) Her performance as Rachel was fine but I don’t know why everyone ripped on Katie Holmes’ performance when Maggie pretty much played the character the same. Her relationship with Bruce and Harvey comes to an unexpected conclusion in the film’s third act.

Heath Ledger (The Joker) – Heath’s performance as The Joker was pretty good. I don’t think its Oscar material like everyone is claiming it should be. He plays The Joker a bit more serious, and has occasional subtleties that warrant the praise of a great performance. He was certainly a lot better than I thought he would be. I was however, hoping for a more maniacal Joker. He shows signs of it, but a lot of times he’s really serious and I wanted a completely batshit (pun intended) villain. Someone who is just 100% homicidal and maniacal, and there were a lot of times I got that, and a lot of times I didn’t. His scenes with Bale are the best in the film. Everyone will compare his performance to Nicholson’s which isn’t fair to either actor. I actually liked Jack’s performance. His Joker was played as a total nutcase, and I didn’t find it cheesy at all. He did what he could with the script, and I didn’t hear back in 1989 people talking about it being a shit performance. That only seems to want to come out now that there’s another incarnation of the Joker character on screen and internet fanboys want to try and sound ‘smart’ about today’s cinema. The Joker is perhaps one of the most difficult characters to portray and I think both did a great job with what they were given. I’m sure when I see this film again Ledger’s performance will still be as good as I remember it. There’s talk of an Oscar nomination, but if he were to win the Oscar, what would they do with it, duct tape it to the tombstone? So will Ledger be nominated? I don’t know. Personally, I didn’t think he was the show stealer. That honor goes to our next actor.

Aaron Eckhart (Harvey Dent/Two-Face) – Aaron Eckhart is the guy who gave the Oscar nominated performance and for me, was the highlight of this movie. (I know, I said Aaron Eckhart and Oscar in the same sentence. Hell is getting colder as we speak.) His portrayal of Harvey Dent was done seriously and convincingly. And when he makes the unwilling transformation to Two-Face, we see the villain that Tommy Lee Jones couldn’t do on screen. Eckhart’s reasoning for his actions and frustrations with what happens to Gotham’s crime syndicate, Rachel Dawes, and Batman come to a head in the third act, and he just loses it. I wanted more of Two-Face on screen and I’m hoping he returns for the third movie. Good job Aaron! Those acting classes paid off!

Christian Bale (Bruce Wayne/Batman) – Christian does a good job as Bruce Wayne. I actually think he’s the best Bruce Wayne, but he still comes in second to Michael Keaton when portraying Batman. Ya ya, I’m gonna get a bunch of hate mail from comic book jerkoffs who will say I’m an idiot, but I actually go outside and get sunlight while you stay in your room creating new Batman avatars, so your opinion doesn’t count. Bale’s constant growling as The Caped Crusader makes me think he went through about two packs of throat lozenges a day during the shoot. In fact, he growls so much and so loud, he says his lines really slow and carefully so his voice doesn’t crack. I think if I was The Joker and Batman was talking to me I’d start laughing too.

Between The Joker, Harvey Dent, Gordon, Rachel Dawes, the mob and Batman himself, the script eventually becomes a bit too heavy for its own good. Too many times I had to hear characters talk about justice and morality and what's good and what isn't. I know it's a running theme for the character of Batman, but it's brought up about every five minutes in the movie and becomes overkill. There are some scenes that didn’t agree with me. Most involved having to look at Maggie but one involved using sonar and cell locator technology in the third act that reminded me too much of a Rainbow Six or Ghost Recon video game. It was kind of headache inducing. The ending also bugged me. I won’t go into what happens at the end, but let’s just say it was akin to putting peanut butter on top of peanut butter in regards to Batman’s relationship to Gotham and its police force. I realize it’s to set up a third film, but I didn’t like the reasoning behind it.

The Dark Knight is a worthy and entertaining sequel any fan of Batman will love. Iron Man is still the best comic book movie so far this year (Waiting on the new Punisher movie! Wait, why are you laughing?) but Batman is great entertainment. I didn’t enjoy the ending and I thought the script got too heavy at times. There were too many characters and a good fifteen, twenty minutes could have been cut. Either trim down the love triangle mess or some of the unnecessary mob scenes to quicken the pace. Despite those negatives, The Dark Knight is an exciting movie to watch, especially on a giant IMAX screen. Have fun kiddies.

via latinoreview.com