palabras JEFF WILSER

The world is carved into two species of Super Bowl parties: casual and die-hard. For the die-hard watchers, the dream “party” is actually a quiet, sober room with a 42” plasma...and no distractions. The die-hard party is easy: just some beer, buddies, slabs of pizza, guacamole, seven layer dip, and chips.

But if you’re looking for something with more social cache, you’ll have to do a little planning. You’ll have to follow the golden rule of Super Bowl parties: reduce the chorizo/salami campesino.

For unless you aggressively take some counter-measures, every Super Bowl party can become a sausage fest. To avoid this hellish scenario, follow these 10 rules.

1. Tell your ladies that it’s not a “serious” Super Bowl party (even if it is). We’ll just obnoxiously stereotype away: most girls fear the die-hard scenario described above. Allay their concerns. Let them know that most people in attendance aren’t hard-core fans (even if they are). Lie.

2. Make girly cocktails. Don’t just settle for a keg. Instead, designate someone as bartender and make a variety of fruity, ridiculous drinks. Drop this code word: Cosmos. This is your equation: Cosmos=the TV series Sex and the City=the girl is happy. Also stock rum and wine, so you don’t seem like a complete Neanderthal. This helps offset the testosterone.

3.Start a drinking game. This will keep the girls engaged. (Yes, we’re still being sexist.) Before the game, set up a variety of conditions for drinking. Put each reason on a scrap of paper, toss the scraps in a hat, and then make each guest blindly pick one.

Examples: drink when…

Head coach awkwardly hiding his lips with a playbook
Wife/girlfriend of the quarterback is shown for no reason
The announcer says “110%.”
Gratuitous shot of the cheerleaders (do a shot)
A fan has a stupid homemade sign (2 shots if it’s “D-Fence”)
Flamboyant player celebration (arguing what constitutes “flamboyant” is half the fun)
A commercial tries to be clever and fails abysmally.
Etc.

4. Don’t scrimp on the food. Of course you’ll have nachos and salsa. But it doesn’t cost much to add just a touch of class. For instance, splurge on some real guacamole; salsa shows you can go to the store, make your own guacamole or seven layer dip and she will see you are handy in the kitchen. A guy that can cook is hard to come by, and much appreciated. Add some variety with fruit spreads (slices of piña and apples are good). Incorporate sweets also.

5. Plan ahead. Now. If you haven’t gotten your E-Vite out, do it right away. When you awkwardly call your friends on January 29th and invite them to your party, if they don’t already have plans, chances are those friends aren’t gonna be much fun.

6. Encourage BYOB. Nothing shameful in that. It goes with the territory in Super Bowl parties, and it’ll help reduce your tab. Let them settle the Presidente vs. Corona vs. Quilmes debate.

7. Adjust your floorplan. Chances are, your apartment isn’t optimally configured to hold 20+ people. Take some time to shift around your TV, move your kitchen table, etc. Along those lines…

8. Snag more chairs. Borrow some from your neighbor or ask the super (Who knows what else Sanchez has down in the basement, but be assured there are some chairs down there somewhere). If you have to, let him borrow your porn collection in exchange.

9. Keep beer in reserve. The game is usually a snoozer by the third quarter, so you’ll need the alcohol to keep the masses entertained. A drunk crowd is a happy crowd.

10. Use multiple TVs. It’s unlikely that your living room TV will accommodate everyone, so haul out your smaller bedroom unit and plug that in as well. Borrow abuela’s set, hopefully she doesn’t still have the wire hanger as an antenna.

Super Bowl Party Extra Point: Gamble. Before the game starts, create some low-stakes betting pools and squares. This keeps things interesting even if the game gets out of hand.

Note: Gambling is illegal, so our last point—“Gamble”—is not intended to suggest that you gamble.