Machochip.com Contributing Editor Alex Ferreyra was amazed to find that the Boston Red Sox were wearing ads on their uniforms for their exhibition games in Japan. This got him thinking about what ads teams should put on their uniforms once the inevitable happens.

It’s unbelievable to me that in the home of capitalism, the biggest three sports don’t have uniforms with advertisements on them. And no, I don’t count the Nike swoosh or the Adidas tri-band on uniforms as a paid-advertisement. Those are usually done on a league-wide basis, much to the chagrin of all the athletes who get flack from their shoe company for wearing a competing brand’s jersey at the Olympics or (God forbid) the Pan-Am Games.

I’m talking about completely selling-out, like in NASCAR or overseas soccer leagues. They know how to pimp their gear. Every time Cristiano Ronaldo scores a Manchester United goal, every AIG executive around the world smiles just a little bit. So now that the Red Sox have broken the seal, albeit during exhibition, will MLB follow suit by letting team stick ads on the jerseys during the regular season? I think so, but it’ll take some time (how they’re going to figure out the revenue sharing on that is a head-scratcher).

But what if Bud Selig decided to let the teams go ahead and promote this season—which products or companies would teams go with? We’ve analyzed the players, coaches, executives and fans to come up with a list of local, regional or national advertisers who would mesh with their teams like $9 beers and skipping work on a summer day.

Today, we’re doing the National League.

National League East

Philadelphia Phillies

Philadelphia’s fans and projectiles have had a long and hallowed history of making opposing teams suffer. They’ve pelted Santa with snowballs and J.D. Drew with D batteries. Since snowballs don’t need advertising, a big ass D battery on a jersey would make any Philadelphian proud. And Duracell might need the publicity with this crowd because of their brand loyalty—some of the fans’ families have been throwing things since the early days of Veteran’s Stadium. You just don’t go from Eveready to Duracell on a whim. You need team approval to do that.

New York Mets

Sure, Citibank is bankrolling the Mets’ new stadium, but when I was going to school in The Bronx, every Latino got their cash at the Banco Popular, Puerto Rico’s premier banking institution. And since a majority of the best Latino players get major bank from the Mets, it’s the perfect brand image for everyone involved.

Atlanta Braves

If you’ve ever watched a Braves home game on TBS, you’ve seen the endless promotions for their shows, like Frank TV and Tyler Perry’s House of Payne. Well, why stop the Riefenstahl-esque levels of propaganda there? Every time the Braves are on the road, remind Cubs and Giants fans what kind of shitty programming Ted Turner’s network has by stitching Frank Caliendo’s Jack Nicholson impression on the team’s backs.

Washington Nationals

Yes We Can! Si Se Puede! The Campaign to Elect Barry Obama has everything the Nats lack in 2008—intensity, money and a desire to win. Obama’s won ten (states) in a row—a feat the Nats haven’t come close to since moving to D.C. from Montreal three years ago. By lifting their spirits with a speech before each home game, Obama can guide them to victories over powerful teams in their division from Clinton-friendly cities like New York and Philadelphia. Although we don’t know which would be the greater accomplishment—the Nats becoming winners, or getting a Black man elected to the White House.

Florida Marlins

Sure, it’s a low-ball bid, but who else would pony up to advertise on the backs of Marlins players now that Miguel Cabrera and Dontelle Willis have left town? A1A GiftsOnline.com, that’s who. They have the finest selection of wholesale items in the Metro-Dade area, pieces others would pay a princely sum for, but that barely cost you a thing. Kind of like the players in the Marlins’ minor league system—built for cheap by the team, and sold to the big money clubs like the Tigers and Yankees for quite the markup.

National League Central

Chicago Cubs


These are friendly, upfront buys from arm specialist James Andrews, the doctor who specializes in Tommy John surgery. Over the past 10 years, we estimate that the Cubs have sent him enough business between Kerry Wood and Mark Prior’s elbows alone to retire seven times over.

Milwaukee Brewers

Klement already sponsors the Brewers’ seventh-inning stretch sausage races at home, so they make perfect sense for this gig. That goes double when you consider they could partly pay their bill in product. It could seriously help Milwaukee’s negotiations with their portly All-Star slugger Prince Fielder, allowing them to offer a six-year, $60 million, 32-gross chorizo deal.

St. Louis Cardinals

Manager Tony La Russa’s a vegetarian. The organization named Busch Stadium on of the top-10 veggie-friendly parks in the country. The team is named after an animal. What’s not to love for PETA? Now if they could only stop the team from injecting cattle hormones into Albert Pujols’ elbow to stop the swelling, things would be perfect.

Houston Astros

Houston’s stadium is Minute Maid Park, so you’d think they would go with them, but the Astros have always been the team that goes up when you think they’re going down, and vice versa. Picking Minute Maid’s main competitor makes about as much sense as not keeping Carlos Beltran or having a lackluster season despite having Roy Oswalt and juicers (ha!) Andy Pettite and Roger Clemens as their 1-2-3 guys. Which is about par for the course, I’d say.

Cincinnati Reds

When Cincy utility-man Ryan Freel admitted to having a voice in his head, most people became worried that he might be suffering a psychological breakdown. You know, an effect of living life in the big leagues. But when Freel reveled that the voice in his head was named Farney, the worry disappeared, replaced by tons of laughter—psychological distress is funny! By providing Freel the University of Cincinnati Psych Center’s number right on his jersey, he’ll have a constant reassurance about where to turn to when Farney tells him that he’s had enough of teammate Bronson Arroyo’s damn guitar playing.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Pepsi Max was made for people who don’t want to sleep. With ginseng and twice the caffeine of regular Pepsi, it seems like the company would filter the stuff through a used cocaine sieve if they could legally get away with it. The Pirates will need all the help they can get to keep the people of Pittsburgh awake while Adam LaRoche tries to hit .197 with 30 home runs while Canadian Jason Bay tries to get himself traded to Toronto. When this is the most memorable part of your previous season, you know you’re in trouble.

National League West

Arizona Diamondbacks

Did you know that three Civil War battles took place in Arizona? Who better to advertise the recreations happening March 8-9 at the Picacho Peak State Park than Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson, the man voted “Most Likely To Be Mistaken For A Civil War General” by his peers?

Colorado Rockies

The Rockies have always had a hitter-friendly ballpark, but that all ended the day they started putting the balls in a giant humidor. Now, not even Mike Hampton could give up a three-dinger game (okay, maybe Mike Hampton). For Cohiba this is a great opportunity to cross-promote with a “Lil’ Slugger” brand of cigars that baseball-loving Fidel Castro will try to smuggle into Cuba.

San Diego Padres

Torry Pines Golf Course is a course right outside San Diego where Tiger Woods won his fourth straight padres_golf_hybrid.jpgBuick Invitational. It’s also the place where former MLB pitcher Rick Sutcliffe played some golf and drank some brews with actor Bill Murray before going on air during a Cubs game to profess his love of golfing in San Diego and his admiration for George Clooney who had gone to Africa at the time to “solve that thing.” If you can have that much going on in a broadcast booth after a round or two, imagine what the rest of San Diego is like! Unfortunately, Bill Murray’s not included.

L.A. Dodgers

Dodgers owner Frank McCourt made his millions in the Boston parking lot game, so it makes sense that he would want to help promote the cause in LA by teaming up with the biggest parking lot company in the city. Plus, by being part of the Dodgers cabal, it makes it less annoying to play $20 for parking when you know some if it’s going back to pay .222 hitter Andruw Jones’ $14 million salary.

San Francisco Giants

It’s time the Giants revealed how they’ve been able to convince their fans to come see the single most unlikable baseball player in MLB, Barry Bonds… and sit through six years of Russ Ortiz’s horrible pitching. The San Francisco Hypnotherapy Center.

Well, there you have it—16 advertisers for 16 teams. Will they take my advice? Probably not. But if you ever discover one day that the new team jersey you bought has a logo on it that I happened to predict, let me know. Not so I can say “I told you so,” but because I want a piece of that pie! If baseball can sell out, there’s no reason why this fan shouldn’t.

originally appeared on MachoChip.com